My interview with Alfred Dunhill and Doctor GrabO and the definition of the perfect pipe

[Ruffinogold]

The name Alfred Dunhill and Dr. Grabow should ring a bell . Be it a church bell , a toll bell or a bicycle bell .. it should ring at least one of them if you're a pipe smoker . If youre not a pipe smoker , then you have some serious issues and it might be best to go talk to someone ... like maybe a pipe smoker [ because they can help more than a quack ]. It will put you on a positive path for getting yer s*** together , you’ll see .

So , Alfred Dunhill . He was a Red Coat that established a reputable pipe shop in Merry Olde England . He made pipes and inserted a white spot/dot/drip drop/mop top / hip hop blop ... on the stem , It was placed on the top of the stem . This was really exciting and helped establish a brand logo . Mr. Dunhill was quite the dapper gentleman and did what he could to promote pipe smoking as a refined thing to do , which of course it is , but he did it wearing a suit
Dr, GrabO was a southern man from North Carolina , a fan of the Allman Brothers and a pipe smoker , Dr. GrabO had a thing going with a pipe company called Linkman but it didnt sound cool enough so he changed it to his nick name , which was Dr. GrabO . It was quickly changed to Dr. Grabow because a futurist had convinced him that the nick name of GrabO , which he was titled with for having an uncontrollable propensity for grabbing any womans ass that looked interesting , may cause the company issues down the road , when people become uppity and know everything . So , Grabow it was .

Both Grabow and Dunhill had the unfortunate existence of not living in the Mediterranean [ basically , the Italy area ] , so they had to buy briar for their pipes and this is how it came to be that I interviewed both these men , while intoxicated after a 6 hour session with waitresses from the night before ... of course .

Somewhere in Italy

So , my typical Thursday night , which had led to Friday morning without sleep , was wearing me down and I had to find a place to crash . The kitchen area of the restaurant would probably be closed down after what the girls and i had done to the place , so that was a no go for sleep . Plus , when Mario shows up and sees what we did with the utensils , the empty whip cream cans and the squid ... he'd probably kill me . I see this building down the road , it was quiet and didnt look like there'd be anything going on in it , so I went inside , lit my pipe and passed out

A few hours later Luigi and Vito arrived to prepare for the day of business , it was 10 am . After a short time .. Vito " Dis a son of a bitch is a sleeping on a da floor in a da briar room , should I a kick him awake !? " . Vito takes Luigi to see the passed out man . Lugi .. " No , no ..let a him sleep ! Dis is Giovanni ! He is a da reason de Italian men are know da world over for being da greatest lovers ... do not a piss a him off ! [ BTW , Italian men speak Italian . I just did it this way so youd understand them and kinda get theyre Italian ]

So , as the morning progressed and men started showing up to look over the lots of briar , stepping over the sleeping man so as not to wake and piss off the great Giovanni , this is when Dr. Grabow and Mr. Dunhill arrived as well . Dr. Grabow had walked up to the sleeping man and softy said ... now theres a sumabitch that had some whisky last night and a good damn time , hallafreakinlouya . Mr. Dunhill being a proper Red Coat was quit unimpressed with the sleeping man and said ... " Here , here .. what manner of indiscretion is this !?!? " . The room feel silent at the atrocity of such an act as to possibly wake the sleeping man .Suddenly , and with a scent of pure attraction , a 30's Sophia Loren literally picked me up and smacked my face sayin .. " You bastid ! " .... this is how I awoke . I kissed her and said that she should take me to Monaco for the wine tasting later tonight and to pick me up her in a hour so I can shower . I also asked if she'd buy me some new clothes cause I wanted to look good for her at the event later . No doubt , see agreed and I was left in a room full of briar and a bunch of dudes standing around wishing they kissed Sophia Loren .

" Men , it's a helluva morning " I proclaimed . All present replied .. " Amen " . Alfred Dunhill , being surprised at the last moments events asked .. " what manner of Man are you ? " . Sir , I am an American Italian Redneck [ AIR ] , it's what God intends Men to evolve into
.And whom do I have the pleasure of meeting ? " I am Alfred Dunhill , maker of the worlds finest pipes ! " . Just then , Dr. Grabow walks over and says .. " First off young feller , I want to shake your hand " . " And secondly I'd like to kick this Red Coat in the ass for thinking he makes the worlds finest pipes ! " . Mr. Dunhill was aghast . Laughingly I said .. Whoa now !! Men , lets go get some coffee and a biscotti and have ourselves a chit chat and I'll help you guys sort out yer differences .

So Vito took us to a back room where there was a table , chairs and a chic named Bianca that was wearing a top that was a little to tight on her . So , I loosened the top button and gave her a kiss and asked her if she'd bring us some coffee and biscotti so that i could help these men with their issues . Bianca brought our refreshments , and looked so much more comfortable , and this is where my interview began
I am Giovanni , The Lover . Men should not fight , you see , men should make love to women and everything else should be done peacefully because God knows women are not peaceful and if we have fighting and disagreements among us ... the world is just gonna start sucking and there will be wars , terrorists, men thinking theyre women , bans on straws and safe spaces for Christs sake ... so lets figure this thing out . I sip my coffee and it is fantastic !

Mr. Dunhill sips his coffee and though he wont admit it , he realizes how much better it is than tea .

Mr. Grabow : Lookie here , Dunhills pipes a fine but are no way the worlds finest pipes !!

Dunhill : And what do you know of pipes !?!

Grabow : Well , I buy briar right here where you do , for starters . I know a pipe is a chunk of wood with two holes in it and a mouthpiece . It aint rocket science !

Dunhill : But it is so much more than just that

The great Giovanni : Now hold on a moment , men . A pipe is really just a chunk of wood with two holes and a mouthpiece , Right ?! What is it about your pipes , Mr. Dunhill , that makes thm so much better than Mr.Grabows pipe

Dunhill : Our pipes have no flaws in them .. The surface area is free of pits and blemishes ! The shapes I create have standards to their dimensions and they are elegant works of art !

Grabow : My pipes have great shapes and are affordable to anyone and everyone , ya stuffy crumpet eatin wig wearing ........

The Great Giovanni : Lol , ok men , I think I see whats going on here and I have the solution to what this debate is about

Here it is :

A pipe with no flaws in the finish or pits in the wood etc .. it is all a good thing . The affordability of a pipe is also a good thing . What matters is , is that the pipe are drilled correctly and will feel comfortable to whomever is enjoying it ... which is why there are many shapes , so that each individual can find one that is comfortable .... and ... so that it will drive a pipe smoker crazy because he wants so many different kinds and will piss away lots of money on them . Briar is briar and aesthetics dont create a better smoking experience , other than maybe a mental one for an individual that needs that to enjoy his smoke . You both make perfectly functioning pipes ... are we in agreement !?

Grabow Yes
Dunhill : Yes

So , it is settled ... but please tell me you guys wont ever make a damn blowfish shaped pipe like the feminist danish guys do !!!!

Grabow : Hell Fire , No !
Dunhill : God forbid !!

And , you'lll never make a testicle shaped pipe like those feminists danish do , Right !?!?

Grabow : Those damn perverts , hell no
Dunhill : Its an abomination to all that is decent and good in the world, of course not

Very well then , It's settled . The two Men shook hands and went out to the big room to inspect and purchase briar . I was thinking if Bianca and I could have a little time before Sophia showed up

[Kevin Keith]

[Ruffinogold]

Stay tuned to this channel cause next week we will follow the escapades of the Great Giovanni when he haphazardly shows up at a tobacco warehouse where the buyers and owners of JF Germain , Mac Baren , Wessex , Sutliff , Lane and others shop . You wont want to miss it and there may even be pictures [ God forbid ]

[Whistlebritches]

Ruff you have way too much time on your hands........to our benefit.

[Mr Beardsley]

I get the feeling Ruff doesn't care for the danes carving style

[MikeDennison]

Mr. Mayor, I can't tell ya how glad I am that you're just insane enough to concoct such a delightfully fun tale. Keep'em coming!

[Preacher1611]

Wow! That's an amazing tale!

[Houtenziel]

... the world is just gonna start sucking and there will be wars , terrorists, men thinking theyre women , bans on straws and safe spaces for Christs sake ... so lets figure this thing out .

That was some Orwellian level prophecy right there my man..

[Ruffinogold]

I've been so busy , I forgot I enjoy stream of consciousness writing

[Ruffinogold]

Bump ... because I'm starting to write part two .. If I'm buzzed enough